We first met Christi in October, 1989. Her service coordinator called and
asked if we could help her to find a job. Oh, there were a few other details
he wanted us to know-- Christi was 21 years old had always lived at home
with her mom and stepfather and sisters but had recently experienced separation
from her mother because her mother moved to Japan, she had been raped by
her stepfather, removed from her parents home and her two half sisters,
placed in an out of home respite placement for 21 days then on to a full
time residential placement, had dropped out of her day service at a University
and left all of her closest friends and she was 5 months pregnant and had
had no prenatal care. For some reason the idea of a job search flew from
our minds.
We went right to work on the fast track of getting to know Christi-- at
that time there were only 3 of us working for CHOICESS and we were assisting
just a few other people. Kathy, Joe and I enjoyed spending time with Christi
very much and she seemed to like us also since we were going to all of her
favorite places and hanging out with people she enjoyed seeing and listening
lots to what she wanted to talk about. Because we were very bright and
enlightened human service workers, we noted and other people told us that
Christi was sad and disturbed by the events of the prior few months and
spent a lot of time displaying that sadness in various ways-- pulling her
shirt over her face and head, "eloping" they called it from the
facility where she lived, nagging at the other women who lived there, refusing
to "homogenize" with her housemates with whom she shared little
interest (and did not happen to choose to attend the same sheltered workshop
they had all coincidentally chosen to attend), she made up all kinds of
interesting stories to tell a number of people from her service coordinator
to her ex-teacher to her boyfriend (she has always had a flair for creativity
especially evident in times of stress). She never really sat and said I
am depressed because I am pregnant and I am scared about what is going to
happen to me and my baby and I don't know why my step father would do this
to me and I don't like where I am living now. In fact, she spent a good
deal of time giggling and hiding her face. Through this time, however,
we had a sense of urgency because her child was due in January and this
was October, November.
We call this story White Water Rafting because from the day we met
Christi that is what it has been like and we all jumped straight in to the
white water together--there was no gentle river ride relaxing and talking
leading to the white water it was straight into the rapids. So, together
with Christi we found her the way to a counseling agency that was walking
distance from her home where she met twice a week with a woman who would
listen through Christi's shirt or from behind a pillow comments related
to her feelings about being raped, her fears about how it had been told
to her by a number of people that she would go to County Hospital and have
her baby and the baby would immediately be removed and she would never see
her child again and many other things they shared. This woman would give
her a ride home from counseling because it was dark when they were done
and she worried about Christi walking. No one asked, paid for or arranged
this she offered it to Christi. The counseling center referred Christi
to a doctor, we took relaxercise classes at adult school until she was ready
to take Lamaze. She and I took Lamaze class together-- Joe and I had just
had our daughter, Brianna, in August so I was pretty familiar with the proceedings--
we borrowed the videos from the teacher and viewed them more often so Christi
and I could talk about them while we watched.
After hearing about the possibilities of having support services so that
she could live with her baby and raise her child and other alternatives
like open or cooperative adoption, Christi made a decision to meet with
an attorney who friends of hers (Mary Falvey and Richard Rosenberg) had
told her about. During October 1989 Christi met John and Nancy, Adam and
Wendy, Sally and Paul, Nick and Heather -- four couples who shared with
her their resumes and interest in welcoming her child into their lives and
homes. What a rush of feelings there were as she met with each of these
couples in places that she designated--parks, mostly--and discussed the
things they liked to do, what their lives had been like, how many children
and/or animals they already lived with and anything else she wanted to ask
or they wanted to share. She was no longer afraid that the County Hospital
scenario was going to take over her child but she knew that one of these
couples of her choosing would welcome her child with open arms and that
she would be able to continue to see her baby for as long as they all agreed.
She invited me to be at each of these meetings and we talked a lot after
them while she considered her decision. She was fair and honest in her
comments about each family. Just before Christmas 1989, she called Adam
and Wendy and offered them the "best Christmas present you have ever
had" she said, "I want you to have my baby."
On January 2 1990 Tobias was welcomed into this world as quickly as Christi
does most everything-- barely making it to the hospital with her Mom who
was visiting from Japan with her Lamaze coach meeting them at the car and
walking her down the hall to the labor room--only to get up on the bed long
enough to be checked once and the baby was crowning. No time for reminding
about breathing, no time for soothing music, no time for focus point--Toby
was here. Ten minutes later, Adam and Wendy were at the hospital to see
Christi and their beautiful son and to share the next two precious days
of motherhood with Christi. Those two days with Christi, Toby and Adam
and Wendy were unforgettable for all of us who experienced them.
The birth announcement sent to all of Adam and Wendy's family and friends
said "He's Here..Finally..Given in love, received with joy..The greatest
gift..our baby boy..our unending gratitude to birth mother Christi."
Many times over the next six years we have all come together again in the
park for a picnic, in a restaurant, at a backyard pool party as we have
together watched Toby grow into a handsome young child. Recently, Toby
and his Mom, who recently moved to Nashville, came for a visit to California
and made special arrangements to get together with Christi and her boyfriend,
Rick, Joe and I and our children, as well as, Mike and Micheline--close
friends of Christi and Rick's. Anyone can see the connection between Toby
and Christi-- they look so much alike and have much the same personality--
he even walks with his hands behind his back like she does. Wendy says
she is always amazed by how much of Christi she sees in him and about how
she speaks to him about his birth mother and how special Christi is to them.
Recovery from childbirth, enrolling at the local junior college for archery
and badminton, making plans to move from the group home where she could
not "homogenize", finding a job or two or three took us back to
the white water raft ride. On we went through the ongoing and abusive relationship
with a boyfriend (not Rick) who did not see Christi's gifts, her decision
that although she wanted to leave the group home really badly she did not
feel ready to live in her own home--she wanted to be a part of a family
where she could be loved and appreciated for who she was. She moved in
and rented a room with Mike, Pauline and Micheline in April, 1990 for what
was supposed to be a six month "in-between" stay until moving
into her own home. In March of 1991 still living with Mike and Pauline
we all noticed a change in Christi. She began to lose interest in things
that had been important to her..she had been so proud of her life that it
all seemed odd.
Toward the end of May, 1991 we all sat down together to figure out what
was happening-- what could we do to help her from stealing clothes, staying
in her room alone for long periods and avoiding everybody??? After lots
of talk, Christi agreed she had not been feeling very energetic and maybe
seeing a doctor was a good idea. Within a week she found out she was pregnant
and a sonogram showed she was due in October, November 1991. Oh, brilliant
and enlightened as we all had proven we were several times since we met
Christi, we had missed all the signs of stress that she displayed when she
started to suspect she was pregnant-- the pushing people closest to her
away, the creation of obnoxious and irritating habits to amuse everyone
around her and the invasion of the privacy of her house mates. She really
was speaking loud and clear--"I need some help here--anybody notice??"
Hold on now..prenatal care, vitamins, no Coca Cola just 7-up (doctor says
caffeine is bad), keep looking for apartments to move in to with Anthony
her boyfriend and father of the baby, talk about Cooperative Adoption with
counselor, talk about living with support staff who could support them and
the baby, find an apartment in their price range and move to Pomona, circle
of support meetings for Christi, she and Anthony invite his family and there
is much discussion about the baby coming very soon. A decision was made
and announced by Anthony and Christi for the baby to live with Anthony's
sister until s/he could walk and then they wanted to talk about it more.
October 24, 1991 between 2:00 a.m. and 2:30 a.m. Christi gives birth to
a beautiful baby girl while walking back to bed from the bathroom in the
apartment..Anthony calls the neighbors..Christi screams..Call 911..Neighbor's
help with the baby until the paramedics arrive..Christina, Christi and Anthony
and the neighbors are all doing fine. Christina goes home from the hospital
with the sister and the whole family is very happy.
Within 2 months she is at a new job, learning how to live in an intimate
relationship that sometimes seems to go very sour, seeing her children on
a regular basis, organizing or attending get together with both Christina
and Toby, choosing a birth control method that works and continuing to interact
with CHOICESS on a regular but very flexible basis. Two months later she
has been laid off from her job, her relationship with her boyfriend continues
to be a rocky one, her children and their visits bring her much happiness
but she hardly ever initiates them.
Employment and relationships seemed to be the most difficult things for
Christi to maintain. But her friendship and deep feelings for Mike and
Pauline whom she rented the room from and for a number of other of her "chosen"
family have continued to be a source of strength and stability in her evolving
lifestyle. By 1993 she has had probably 5 jobs, 2 children, 3 living situations,
only 1 boyfriend and the same 4 or five support staff from CHOICESS. Some
things really have not changed..she is a joy to know and we feel fortunate
to be invited by her to share in this wild ride called Christi's life.
She has taught us so much in 2 1/2 years about listening to people in lots
of different ways, being available to people in lots of different ways and
how to smile and laugh about things that have happened as we look to a future
that is sure to be full of many more comical events.
No time to dwell on sentimental moments...life goes on...
By the middle of 1993, Christi has made one major decision.. she realizes
she doesn't have to be yelled at and hit and have things thrown on her and
forced to sleep on the floor of her own bedroom..she decides to move to
a new apartment and share it with a roommate. Guess what..she also has
another new job. She and her new roommate enjoy each other, she likes her
job and she even begins to care about how her house looked almost as much
as everybody around her did. Just because things change regardless of how
well they are going..Christi's roommate decides to move in with her boyfriend
during the first few months of 1994. Christi has begun to hang out with
a woman about her age who happens to use a wheelchair to get around and
they have a good time together. She begins staying overnight with her friend
because her friends does not have a roommate and does not like to be alone
at night. After many months of spending time together, they decide to share
the friend's apartment. What a great idea we all think...in fact, we can
hardly believe we did not think of it ourselves after we all so enlightened..Christi
never ceases to amaze us as she begins to provide IHSS paid support to her
friend. Now she has two jobs..the same woman who almost resorted to hiring
a housekeeper in previous living situations is now being paid to be just
that...not on any job planning analysis we had seen done on Christi. She
had made a commitment to a friend and she honored it.
But then there was trouble in paradise..March, 1995 Christi leaves one day
on the bus and does not return home for a week. She is not able to tell
us why she left..we, of course, can not figure it out on our own..we need
repeated prompting and sequential learning experiences..so in May, 1995
she gives us another opportunity to learn and she disappears for almost
16 days. Each time this happens we contact the Transit authorities because
Christi's favorite form of recreation and escape other than "retail
therapy" is riding the busses. She knows every driver and route and
sits close to the drivers for safety. We struggle with the idea of putting
up fliers at the transit stations and the places where the drivers report
to work realizing that she has the "right" to not come home, she
has the "right" to ride the busses morning, noon and night but
every time there is a report on the news of a body being found or something
equally as scary our hearts drop and we put up the fliers. We begin to
have calls from drivers with Christi sightings. We know she is alive and
well and becoming quite ripe we are sure as she has not seen a shower in
days..they have not yet installed those on rapid transit busses. Guess
they did not plan on the marathon rides that Christi needs to sort out her
feelings and lose herself in a world she feels very secure and safe in..a
world where she can go any place she wants to, any time she wants to..after
all the Regional Center buys the bus pass. So, on the 16th day..after Mike
and other people who care deeply about Christi have tried to meet her many
times at a station where we might expect her to be she continues to elude
us.. Then our big chance faces us..Joe goes to the main transit station
in El Monte at midnight when there are only a few routes still running.
We know that Christi favors the bus to downtown L.A. at this time and so
he meets that bus and there she is. He steps on the bus and invites a tired
and pretty scroungy looking wanderer to come home with him..the driver looks
a little concerned..Meanwhile, Christi refuses his invitation and says she's
"goin' downtown". He says he'll go with her and pulls up a seat
behind her and tries to engage her in conversation..Again the driver looks
a little more concerned. They get to the end of the ride and it is the middle
of the night and they are in the middle of downtown L.A.. They have to
get off the bus and walk a ways to get on the next bus going back towards
home. After boarding the return bus, Joe notices he only has a $20.00 bill..driver
shows no signs of sympathy..Christi has no money to help..Joe turns into
a panhandler asking for change for a twenty. All of the riders look at
him with some semblance of disbelief, "Would we be on this bus in the
wee hours of the morning if we had change for a twenty?" Finally,
one guy says he can't stand to ride with a thief and pays Joe's ransom.
Joe is appropriately thankful and relieved thinking that he might have
had to get off the bus and that Christi might not have joined him on that
cold street. They come back to the transit station and she follows him
off the bus..he calls me and says "we are on our way home". The
journey is over, the worrying is done...I call Mike and Pauline and we all
breathe easier knowing she is safe and in a car with someone we know and
trust. She is tired and hungry when she arrives at our home and she showers
and we wash her clothes two or three times. She looks relieved to have
been found and she goes to sleep. Joe is equally relieved to have made
it home with Christi and his life. He is not as adventurous a spirit as
Christi or maybe just not as deeply in need of an escape when things go
badly.
We never promised Christi or ourselves that this getting to know each other,
getting to trust each other would be easy but I don't think any of us knew
or could have predicted 7 years ago where this journey would take us. Christi
never went back to her apartment with her friend after the bus escape in
May, 1995. She lived with Mike and Pauline again for a short time and shared
with them over time how her friend had betrayed her trust and treated her
badly--she had been sleeping on the floor again in her own bedroom so her
roommate could sleep in her bed because that bedroom was more quiet from
street noise. She never let on until she could not stand it any more and
had to leave.
Pauline and Mike, Joe and I and Mary and Richard and all of our families
got together with Christi shortly after her bus trip and celebrated the
years we have all shared together. We all got time that evening to tell
Christi individually how much we cared about her and how deeply worried
we were when we had not seen nor heard from her for 16 days. We all offered
her in our own style some form of listening should she need to talk before
she resorts to extreme retail therapy or bus excursions that last more than
a few hours.
Eight months since May and Christi has had two apartments--first a small
one by herself which she enjoyed until she met her new boyfriend, Rick,
and they decided to share an apartment. Just this week Christi and Rick
have been offered new jobs, they both say they are looking forward to going
back to work. They are also planning a vacation to Seattle to visit family
that will be in April. Their river raft ride is only beginning and we all
wish them a safe and loving journey.
Our ride with Christi has mellowed to more of a smooth ride with far fewer
areas of white water. We have learned so much about rafting in the last
seven years we have begun to share our river tales with others who are willing
and ready to get in to the river and ride with us. We hope that the sharing
of these tales will encourage people looking for a raft and people looking
for a river to join together and enjoy the ride.